Sex and Play School DVDs
by IridescentFireflies
Summary: Harry, Hermione, and Snapes Play School DVDs! [Rated M for all the making out. You have been warned. The idea of Snape watching Play School is not pretty!]
1. Sex, sex and more sex!

Harry: Blue font,

Hermione: pink

Ron: Green

Neville: Brown

Ginny:Purple

Harry was running around with underpants on is head."Yay, I'm captian undiehead, and I'm gonna destroy voldiewartts!"

Hermione rolled her eyes.

" He's like this every rainy day" she said to Ron.

" Yep. Can you be kissing me now?" Ron answered.

"RONALD WEASLEY" she shouted "HOW DARE YOU! I'm your mother!"

"No, Mum's my mother." He said

"No, I'm your mum. I slept with your dad."

Harry came up to them. "Look hermy, I killed Voldenort!"

"That's very nice harry"

"Yeah, real nice."

Oh mi god! I love this song!

Hermione and Ron looked at each other. They couldn't hear anything.

"When was the last time he had his medication?"

"I dunno."

"You know what I love mummy? Big Chinese chicks like Cho Chang. Where is she anyway? Wahhhh! I WANT CHO!"

"Harry, Cho is a fat slut. You don't want her."

"Yeah. You want me" Neville said, walking over to them.

" Nevie! Can we go watch Play School, Nevie?"

"Sorry Harry. They canceled Play School"

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Harry tore out of the room and ran to Snape's office to steal his Play School DVDS

Hermione went to make out with Victor Krum, who was staying in the dorm next to hers.

Ron went to the lake to make out with some merpeople and the giant squid if he could find it.

And Neville went and kissed Trevor.

Ginny saw everyone else making out so she made out with Moaning Murtle. For the next hour and a half people walking by Murtles bathroom heard: "Yes! YES! Pull, Murtle, PULL! Oh yeah!"

THE CRAZY END!


	2. Dumbledore the virgin

The next day Harry ran into the common room, completely naked.

"I am Harry, and I going to kill you!" he shouted.

Ron and Hermione were too busy making out to care.

"What's all this?" asked Professor McGonagall, who was standing by the door.

"Come play with me, teach!" Harry yelled.

"No, I will not do that! Where are your clothes?"

"He threw them at Snape when he got caught stealing his play school DVDs." Hermione said, and stopped making with Ron long enough to see Victor Krum standing behind Professor McGonagall.

He started crying like a baby and ran off to make out with Ginny, but found her and Moaning Myrtle on her bed, and started crying harder.

"Well, since your clothes are already off I'll teach you how to make out!"

Professor McGonagall said and she ripped off her robes to reveal a very sexy black lace bra, and a g string. Harry started drooling and they made out in front of everyone in Gryffindor.

The whole house started cheering and suddenly Dumbledore came in.

"What is going on?" he asked, and then he saw Harry and McGonagall on the floor making out.

"Professor!" he said in a shocked voice.

"Oh, shut up. Just because you're a virgin!"

Dumbledore looked at his feet. Victor Krum came up and put his arms around the headmaster.

"I am to" he whispered. "But that can change…………"

So Victor and Dumbledore made out on a table while Harry and Prof. G were rolling around having sex on the floor and Ron and Hermione were sitting on a couch making love and Myrtle and Ginny were on her bed doing it.

THE SECOND CRAZY END

Ps: there might be a third chapter…….

Oh mi god now im scared :O


	3. The Morning After! Mwahhahaha!

You thought it couldn't get any worse, you prayed until 7am for this not to happen, but here it is ……………………………………….

CHAPTER THREE!

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

CHAPTER THREE: MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Anyway when we last saw Hogwarts Viktor Krum and Dumbledore were making out. Now we come too……. THE MORNING AFTER!

Krum woke up and saw Dumbledore beside him. He screamed like a little girl and ran out of the room.

He ran into Gryffindor common room..

"Hermy, I'm so sorry!" he yelled. "I slept with Dumbledore!"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Wow, you really drank a lot last night. Half the school made out with Dumbledore!"

"He said I was special, cause I was his first…." Krum whispered, tears in his eyes.

He ran out the room crying like a little girl. For the second time that day.

I am now going to talk to myself.

Hello, how are you.

Good thank you.

That's good.

I know.

Maybe we should get back to the story.

Yeah, you're probably right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Ok.

Yep.

Lets do that,

Fine

Fine

All right then.

All right

Krum went to Professor Flitwick's office. He knocked on the door.

"Umm, excuse me, could you teach me sex?"

Take a number!" Charlie Weasley yelled from his position on top of Prof. Flitwick.

Krum looked around, and there was a little number machine. He took a number ticket. 1,000th.

H sat down to wait.

Krum waited and waited and waited. Then finally he yelled, "Fuck youse all!" and ran off to find another make out partner.

He ran next to……..

( author: oh mi god I've run out of teachers! Nooooo! I'm a Harry fan! How could this happen?

Weirdo: we'll be right back after the author finds her Harry Potter book. While you're waiting please write your own story using the exact same words as this one but with different characters. Then go get yourself a good lawyer and we'll see you in court.

Author: I found my H.P. book! Now on with the story!

Weirdo: yay! About fucking time!)

Krum ran next to Prof. Slughorns office.

He was about to go in but saw an even longer line.

"Fuck me dead! He yelled. "Why Is everyone but me having sex 26 hours a day!

He collapsed on the floor, kicking and screaming like a three year old.

"I think you want the three year old classroom, next door!" Slughorn yelled.

Krum went next door.

"JESUS CHRIST!" he yelled. A bunch of three year olds were making out.

Krum gave up and went back yo the common room. The whole hosue ws signing the Hogwarts song:

_Ten cents for half an hour_

_In the bed or in the shower_

_Make sure your balls are clean_

_Rub them in some baseline_

_That is a dirty fact _

_I want my money back! _

"This whole school is crazy!" he yelled. And he started fucking himself.

THE END

Or is it?


	4. Queer Eye For The Straight Guy

(disclaimer: Krum is gay and Harry has a lesbian girlfriend. Steal my ideas and I'll put YOU in the story! And you'll be doin something real baad………………)

Chapter Four:

Where were we? Oh yeah, the whole of Gryffindor was signing the school song, and Krum was effing himself, and I was in bed with that weirdo who spoke 2 u back in chapter three.

Anyway I'm gonna stop picking on Krum for now, and move on to someone else. This chapter is on……………………………………………..

**(Author: coffee break! Whooo!**

**Weirdo: you're telling me. This story's been going downhill. What happened to it being a one-shot?**

**Author: I lost my job after spending an entire day planning on how to kill you.**

**Weirdo: what!**

**_Author pulls out a knife and starts chasing the weirdo around, laughing like a maniac._**

**Author: hahahahahahahahaha!**

**Weirdo: ahhhh! Save me mommy!**

**Author: I am your mommy!**

**Weirdo: ok then.**

_**Author and weirdo fall into bed. Hermione Granger comes over to the computer.**_

**Hermione: If she can be an author so can I! **

**_She deletes all of chapter four that the author has written so far, and sits down. She types out something called _The True Confession Of Hermione Granger.**

**Author: gets up off weirdo you can see Hermione's confession as the next chapter! For now enjoy this chapter, we know it was am rip off, but whatever! **

**She kicks Hermy off the computer.)**

This story is about a magical version of queer eye for the straight guy.

One day at Hogwarts Harry was in the common room naked when three gay guys came in.

Gay One: Harry Potter, I'm Gertrude Gaygo, (points to gay dude 2) that's Sally Dude, and that guy is Melissa Mylittleponylover. We're looking to recruit you to help us out.

Sally: yeah we're here

Melissa: to do a makeover on your headmaster.

Gertrude: but our regular other gay dude hasn't been seen since he went home with his hot she-male brother last night.

Sally: so we want you

Melissa: to join us

_The _Queer Eye For The Straight Guy_ theme plays_

Harry: how'd you get it to do that? I've trying to play Nikki Webster music for weeks!

_They take Harry off and five hours later he comes back wearing a tutu. _

Harry: I'm not really comfortable in this.

Ron; He's not comfortable in any clothes, really.

Melissa: you can always just wear some My Little Pony underwear.

Harry: wouldn't it be girl's underwear though?

Hermione: well you wear girl's underwear anyway. Just wear your My Little Pony bra as well.

_Harry cheers._

_**Next chapter: Hermione's confession and then, either in the same chapter or the one after that, Dumbledore's makeover. **_


End file.
